Truisims of a modern golfer

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind
during your swing,

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either
hit one more club or two more balls.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the
foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options
you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the
green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

The less skilled the player, more likely he is to share his ideas
about your golf swing.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play
worse.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is that the instant
elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed
you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt for a 10.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is
like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as "chalant" putts. It's not a
gimme if you're still away.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is
a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very
large tree.

There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just
the way you meant to play it.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch
branch 90% of the time.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up
at a much earlier age.

Since bad things come in threes, a fourth bad shot is actually the
beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down
again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the
ball if you ever want to see it again.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two
triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the
universe.

If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply
try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at
the top and checking the position of your hands how many hands
you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball,
but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your
ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is
in the footprint.

It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow
the lawn.

Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from
giving up the game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end
up having to pray a lot.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you
are ... that is why I get so many calls to play.

That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty
about skipping out on lawn work.

If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your
life.

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen.
And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

A pro shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the
income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house
will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his
sand traps.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or
a seven, he shot an eight or nine.

You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway. A sweat-
shirt will do just fine.

It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to
become a brain surgeon.

On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink
beer, eat hot dogs and fart while performing brain surgery.