I want to be a judge

NEW MEXICO CHILI COOK OFF......... ......If you can read this whole story without laughing, thenthere's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Thisis an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chilecook-off in New Mexico .Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you payattention to the first two judges, the reaction of the thirdjudge is even better.For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you knowhow true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off aboutthe time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portionof a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was aninexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visitingfrom Springfield , IL .Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as ajudge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick atthe last moment and I happened to be standing there at thejudge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Lighttruck, when the call came in... I was assured by the other twojudges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't beall that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have freebeer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."Here are the scorecard notes from the event:CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILEJudge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusingkick.Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the he!! is thisstuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's theworst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILEJudge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slightjalapeno tang..Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to betaken seriously.Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besidespain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me theHeimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when theysaw the look on my face.CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILIJudge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chile. Great kick.Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uraniumspill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before Iignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone isin the front part of my chest. .CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGICJudge # 1 -- Black bean chile with almost no spice.Disappointing.Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good sidedish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chile.Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me withfresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ..just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chile anaphrodisiac?CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVERJudge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chile. Jalapeno peppers freshlyground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use moretomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strongstatement.Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off myforehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, andfour people behind me needed paramedics. Thecontestant seemed offended when I told her that her chile had given mebrain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding bypouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'mburning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the otherjudges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETYJudge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chile.Good balance of spices and peppers.Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,onions, garlic. Superb.Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filledwith gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when Ifarted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my buttwith a snow cone.CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILIJudge # 1 -- A mediocre chile with too much reliance oncanned peppers.Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threwin a can of chile peppers at the last moment. **I shouldtake note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appearsto be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pullthe pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight inone eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushingwater. My shirt is covered with chile, which slid unnoticedout of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match myshirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know whatkilled me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's toopainful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I needair, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in mystomach.CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILEJudge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a niceblend chile. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare itsexistence.Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chile.Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lostwhen Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled thechile pot down on top of himself. Not sureif he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted toreally hot chile?Judge # 3 - No Report.